present
FIMFARUM THIRD TIME LUCKY
Based on fairytales by Jan Werich
HOW THE OGRES DIED OUT IN THE MOUNTAlNS
Our newsreel crew is going to follow an unusual natural phenomenon
hiding in the solemn woods of the Mountains.
They've just completed the final preparations.
And we can see them setting off for the woods
to reach understanding of another miracle of nature.
The most sophisticated technology
is carefully stacked in the car
and the crew can leave the grounds of the studios.
Off to the mountains then!
The well coordinated team will work under the guidance
of the director Radomil Janek, an experienced documentarist.
And Janek leans on the knowledge
gleaned from the legends of the Mountain Ogres.
The same way he managed to reveal the meek nature of the Wild Goose,
the fierce nature of the Lesser Goose
and the small size of the Great Goose,
he believes he can reveal the truth again
and record it on celluloid.
The legend of the Ogres has existed for centuries
in the narratives of the frugal Mountain people.
No wonder the team heads for the Mountains.
In the hope they can find someone who may remember someone
who may remember something about the Ogres.
We wish our team of intrepid filmmakers all the best.
There!
THE ANTLER
Ogres, we are looking for ogres!
First, let's recap what did an ogre look like.
At first sight - a man.
But a huge one, enormous,
his size rather over the top.
And this excessiveness is what made them inhuman.
Because what makes a man human?
Exactly that he's not too big and not too small either.
Such men settled in the valleys,
while high on the mountains
at sunset the ogres stood tall on the highest ridges.
And as they stood with their backs to the sun,
they noticed their shadows growing longer.
The lower the sun set, the further the shadows reached.
Guys, says the Cherkhov ogre,
Iet's play 'Who's Bigger'!
And how do you play it? Hollered the other ogres.
Easy, said the first ogre.
The one whose shadow falls further on the land
is bigger than the one whose shadow falls short.
Since then the ogres could be seen in the Mountains
balancing on tiptoes to stretch their shadows,
whooping and shouting on the hills, teasing one another like schoolboys,
in short, playing 'Who's Bigger'.
Now, it's hard to tell today which of those ogres
first started to cheat, to play false.
He put two fine big flat rocks under his feet.
Sure enough it was his shadow that won.
At that time the ogres couldn't see his trick,
they had no clue about physics.
An intellectual though lived in the valley.
He explained the trick to a cattle shepherd.
The silly boy told five different ogres
and so it happened that every time they played,
there were various surprises: 'cause they all started to cheat.
Once an ogre cast his shadow far beyond Dresden.
And so he says he's playing no more, that he's the biggest.
Scientists will hardly find out today
who hit who first.
The brawl following that punch
was truly magnificent.
The ogres' breath full of fury and curses,
and slaps flying between hilltops
Iifted a dark cloud of dust, leaves and needles,
and in that darkness it seemed the mountains were crumbling.
The ogres pummeled one another, sparks flew off the crushing rocks,
village folk ran away for dear life,
yet many were left dead under the avalanches
and ruin of the ogres' war.
And all of that was caused by ogres.
It wasn't enough for them to be giants,
they strove to be even more colossal.
That's why playing 'Who's Bigger' should be once and for all banned.
As we know, legends don't always reflect the truth.
But thanks to our truly professional journalists
we can rest assured that the Ogres aren't living in the Mountains,
never have and never will.
So you say Yetti, yeah? Where do you say they saw him?
Gentlemen? Let's go!
THE HAT WITH THE LlTTLE JAY FEATHER
The King had three sons. One day he summoned two of them.
The third one, Jack, he didn't take seriously.
It's interesting, that Jacks are often not taken seriously,
although - as will be revealed in this fairytale -
in the end they gain their due respect.
When I was young,
I forgot my beloved hat in a little pub in a Faraway Land.
It had a jolly jay feather on it. I hadn't time to go back for it.
I had to hurry to see what was beyond the forest,
and what was beyond the mountain that was beyond the forest,
and what was beyond the sea that was beyond the mountain,
and what was beyond the desert that was beyond the sea.
Now I know what lies beyond all the seas,
all the mountains, and the forests,
and the knowledge just brings me sorrow.
If I had my beloved hat with the jay feather, maybe I'd forget,
maybe I'd become curious again.
I feel sad without that hat.
I feel sad without the jolly jay feather.
In other words, my sons,
I'll exchange my crown for the hat with the jay feather.
He who brings me my hat shall wear my crown and be king!
From that moment things started to happen fast.
The first-born son, Speedy, got himself
a twentyfour-cylinder Bugaseratti Monopost racer.
He set out for the hat
Iike a shot.
The second-born, Strongman, himself built
a combination caterpillar wheeled bulldozer-digger.
He went slowly but surely
and made terrible racket.
Time went by and not a word from Speedy or Strongman.
JUNKYARD
Jack would sneak off to the station to carry luggage for the passengers
and finally he had saved up 15 hundred crowns.
Just at that time news came back from both his brothers.
And it was not exactly good.
As long as the roads were concrete or tarmac,
Speedy on his Bugaseratti swooshed past and was gone.
But then came the bad roads.
Full of cracks and potholes, ridges and mud.
Speedy didn't slow down.
So his crank-shaft broke down, and his piston-rod.
CHEAP CARS - JALOPIES
Strongman on his bull-digger went on slowly but surely.
He didn't mind the potholes, didn't care about boulders,
on the contrary, he moved through obstacles easily.
Till he got to the marshes. Strongman forgot
his bull-digger special was too heavy.
The bog opened up, the road sank into it, and glug glug...
Jack didn't say a word, took his 1 5 hundred and bought a moped.
He was ready to go get his dad's hat.
The old King didn't want to let him go.
But with the boy insisting,
he gave in, gave him money to buy petrol, and let him go.
And so Jack went. He rode on concrete roads, tarmac roads,
roads full of bumps, pot-holes, and mud, but he rode well.
He stepped on it and put put put, scooted on and on
to get his dad the hat of his youth.
On the steepest hills Jack had to use a bit more gas,
but the air-cooled moped took him all the way
to the little pub called "The Forgotten Youth".
There it hung, the forgotten hat with the jay feather.
The landlord still remembered the King,
or rather the young prince, as he then was.
Yes, yes, that's his hat, he forgot it here, that's right.
But if I return it, what on earth shall I call my pub?
Why not: "The Returned Youth"? suggested Jack.
As a name for a leisure establishment it's even more inviting, isn't it?
Why didn't I think of it myself?
And I could have worn the hat, such a nice hat...
Yippee! You have a new king
and I have a jolly jay feather on my hat, yippee!!
So, my dear lad,
be a good and just king,
do what you can, and I'll be off.
And so the King went. Leisurely but happily,
on the way stopping to talk to people,
here pondering, there giving some advice,
now and then turning his head to look at a nice lady.
From time to time Jack got a postcard:
Don't worry dear Jack, I'll be back.
Meanwhile Jack bought a stronger bike. 250cc, then 500cc,
then the four-cylinder four-stroke Sunray motorcycle.
It goes without saying he won every race.
All sorts of helmets, iron, brass, silver, gold.
He won races on flat track, round track and on oval.
When he couldn't win any more bike races, he switched over to cars.
He became the undisputed world champion of all races and classes.
He went fast,
then even faster,
but time always caught up with him. He was getting old.
Then one day he entered the hill race Ecce Homo.
It's a steep road full of curves.
And he was in the lead from the start.
What is the world like? What are people like?
I've been going at dizzying speed for so many years
that the world has become a blur.
Gee, haven't I flown through my life fast!
And he walked away. Went home. On foot.
Right after the greeting he asked for his father.
He was waiting for you, your Majesty, waiting,
until one afternoon he had a nap and never woke up.
We sent you a telegram but they couldn't deliver it.
But your father left something for you. It's in your bedroom.
So much beauty, all of a sudden!
So much beauty, mystery and perfection,
and it all has purpose, rhythm and honour in its simplicity.
Yippee!
Jack walked as far as the pub "The Returned Youth".
He ordered a pilsener.
The beer was filled and served by a pretty girl.
He had another. It was filled and served by a beautiful girl.
He had a third. It was filled and served by a goddess.
He ordered a fourth pilsener, but the young girl talked him out of it.
And so he married her, brought her home and they had three sons.
They ordered the court milliner to make them three hats
with a jolly jay feather on each of them.
Yippee!
REASON AND LUCK
-C'mon, let me pass. -You are in my way!
-C'mon, man, back off! -Why don't you step aside.
-I'm in a hurry. Back off! -Can't you see you are in my way?
-You move back! -You are obstructing me!
I need to cross and you are blocking me.
So back off, I'll cross first.
Why don't you back off.
People need me more than they need you.
Ha, ha! That's what you say, your lordship!
I'm in demand, sir, I could work till I drop!
-And who are you, anyway? -You tell me first!
Quickly, or else I'll shove you and the water will take you.
They call me Reason, and you?
They call me Luck.
And so Mr. Reason and master Luck stood in the middle of the bridge
until finally Reason conceded.
He backed off and stood on the bank.
There you go, says the hairy one.
And next time do not boast that people crave you more than me!
I don't know about crave, but everybody will tell you
that you cannnot live well without Reason.
-Without Luck you meant to say! -Without Reason, I said.
-Without Luck! -Without Reason!
They would have argued till the night
if a herd of muddy pigs didn't pass them.
After the pigs went a pig-herder, quite a handsome boy
except he was wearing rags filthy as his pigs.
Hey, why argue, wise man.
If people really do need you more, try to do something with this boy.
See, what good is reason to him when he tends swine.
All right. I will enter his head and you will see!
When you meet a sticky end you'll come begging! Cheerio!
And so it happened that Reason entered the pig-herder's head
and Luck went on his way.
DREAMS - lNSTlNCTS
DEVIATlONS - lQ
SEX - KNOWLEDGES
REASON
INTELLlGENCE
PASSWORD
The boy chased his pigs home
and went to have a wash.
What's all that about? Getting yourself ready for a wedding?
Father, I'm through with pigs.
I want to be a gardener. This is getting me nowhere.
Father wasn't a bad man
but such talk went against his grain.
He started disputing, tried to talk his son out of it
railed against it,
but the boy no, no and no, he will be a gardener,
he will learn his trade in the Royal gardens.
Then Father gets really mad and shouts.
If Lew prefers pie in the sky, off with him wherever he likes!
And that's exactly what the boy did.
He set off in the morning
and in the evening he met the Royal Gardener.
The boy came in handy. A storm the night before
had battered the flowerbeds and work was plentiful.
The Gardener noticed Lew was quick on the uptake,
he was suspiciously good to be an apprentice.
He could think for himself, had his own ideas,
it went so far as the boy giving the master Gardener advice.
The old Gardener gave Lew his certificate
promoted him to the Head Gardener,
handed over everything and started to write his memoirs.
Almost every ageing gentleman starts writing his memoirs,
but very few finish them...
And the old Gardener was no exception.
He was stung to death by wasps half way through.
But that's another story.
No, it isn't. The wasps wouldn't have killed him,
were they not swarming around the new head stuck on the gate
among the other heads on the King's orders.
People didn't pay much attention to the heads.
It was well known the King had declared
that whoever makes his daughter Zasu speak,
he will become her husband and King.
But if he doesn't succeed in 3 days, he will lose his head.
Nobody has succeeded so far. It looked like
the King would have a huge collection of noble heads.
As a distraction the King ordered a funeral for the Gardener
and a nation-wide campaign against wasps.
The pig-herder, now Head Gardener,
adorned the coffin of his teacher so beautifully with flowers,
that many at the ceremony envied the deceased
and almost wished to be in his place.
The King was carried away.
The King had the creator of the floral decoration summoned.
He praised him, gave him a raise,
appointed him to several commissions for the state parks and reserves
and finally asked him if he had any special wish
as he, the King, would gladly grant it.
Allow me, your Majesty, to try healing your daughter
the beautiful princess Zasu.
If you fail I'll lose my Gardener and you your head.
That won't happen, your Majesty.
All right, you may dare, but I warned you!
The King's coterie was not well pleased.
Coterie is a foreign word for gentlemen who suck up to monarchs,
always nod approval but secretly think something else.
They arrange everything to suit themselves.
The head of the coterie was the lnterior Minister,
then the Chief Bailiff and then other public and secret agents.
Those two-faced fellows agreed that when the boy comes
to see the Princess, they will listen at the keyhole.
Before going to the Princess Lew sought the advice of Reason.
He realised he had to put on clean and simple clothes.
Afterwards he thought some more, even faster and wiser.
I must not talk to her. A woman who doesn't wilt but blossoms
is not mute because of a disease, she knows why she doesn't talk.
And Lew went to see the Princess.
He found the Princess in the pink room embroidering.
The young man stepped up to the mirror and said:
Hello, mirror, I came to seek your advice.
It happened this way:
When I went to learn my trade I met a wood-carver and a tailor
who were going the same way.
Once we settled down for the night in the woods.
The woodcarver cut out a beautiful maid from a block of limewood.
The tailor made her a stunning dress.
And I then taught her to speak.
And then we had a terrible argument over the maid.
The woodcarver claimed her for himself, as he'd created her.
The tailor wanted her, as he'd dressed her.
And I was trying to prove that she was mine,
as I'd taught her to speak.
Mirror, please tell me, who is right?
You are right! Said the mirror, in fact, the Princess.
Thank you, mirror.
Stop talking to the mirror and come and talk to me!
And they talked. Firstly about why Zasu was silent for so long.
When all the time you hear the same thing again and again,
e.g. "say something, c'mon, speak, why don't you?"
"tell us why you don't speak, say something, go on,"
"say A, say B, say C, say it, say it"
whom should I have talked to?
Whatever you say, nothing ever changes.
Daddy... he's a dear old man, but as a King, he's no good.
The lnterior Minister...
She looked around and in a quiet shy voice said:
Come next door and I will make everything clear to you.
The lnterior Minister, used to watching everyone,
noticed the Princess had a hole on her left stocking.
The Princess and the young man entered the bedroom
and locked the door.
Well, he had to sit by the keyhole for a long while.
His eye got all swollen up before the bedroom lock clicked.
The Princess walked out with rosy cheeks
and her hair somewhat tousled
and Lew behind her.
He couldn't keep his eyes off her.
They held hands and looked into each other's laughing eyes
and they kept looking.
But the minister also kept looking
and noticed that the hole blinking from the left calf a while ago
was now on the right calf of the Princess.
Why did the girl change her stockings? He puzzled his head.
Like all interior ministers he thought about nothing but politics
and forgot that life goes on no matter what.
You will come earlier tomorrow, won't you?
And tell Daddy I said hello. Explain everything.
I'll feed it to him bit by bit
to spare his health, he's not 20 anymore.
And tell him not to send anyone to see me,
until we are wed, they won't hear a peep from me.
By the way...
-What's your name? -Lew.
King Lew, that's like from an opera.
We will change it to Louis, that has got a royal ring to it.
-So long, Louis! -So long, Zasu!
The Minister of lnterior just got away
as Lew, I mean Louis, marched out to find the King.
PAUSE
Louis gave the King an account of the treatment.
He didn't go into details, that would be improper,
he only boasted that he had been chatting with Zasu.
The King immediately wanted to run to her.
You can't do that! No, no way.
The Princess won't talk to anyone. Only to me.
-Only after we are together! -How do you mean, together?
Well, after our wedding. When I am king.
The King straightened up, went red in the face,
the blood vessel on his forhead turned to a sausage, he glared...
O my, should I have fed it to him in smaller doses?
What are you blabbering, you filthy gardener!
The King in anger abandons polite language.
You little swine, you bare-assed dirty beggar!
You and my only Zasu? You the king?
I'll have you thrown in jail, I'll chop off your head,
I'll call a judge.
No, I won't, you condemned yourself!
You plotter! You traitor! You spy!
Minister! Minister! Bailiffs!
Guards! Authorities! Here! Here!
Out of nowhere, the Minister: He's a ventriloquist!
The Princess is dumb as a doorknob and he speaks for her
through his belly, I've got evidence!
Hold on, hold on your Majesty and you shush, Minister!
Whoever makes the Princess speak will become her husband and the king.
Did you publicly declare that or not?
www.beking.com
That's got nothing to do with it!
-Did you or did you not promise that? -I did, but...
There you go! So you have to keep your word!
The King choked, stumbled,
struggled for air.
The Minister of interior seized the moment.
I got you! Even if you were right, which you are not,
even if you taught the Princess to speak, which you didn't,
even if you were entitled to anything, which you're not,
you told your King he had to.
Whoever dares to say that, forfeits his life!
Whoever breaks his promise kills hope in people!
He who kills hope kills life. A promise made must be kept!
All of a sudden there were bailiffs who took Louis
and dragged him away to prison.
TORTURE 6 - 12 EXECUTIONS WHILE U WAIT
SlLENCE, TORTURE IN PROGRESS!
CONFESSION
IDEAS RUBBISH DEVIATIONS
Whatever they were doing to poor Louis that night is hard to tell.
All we know is that in the small hours
he agreed to everything they wanted
and signed whatever they put under his pen.
A long list of foiled plots led by the scheming Gardener.
He even trained the wasps to sting whoever he pointed out.
He admitted it himself.
EVENlNG NEWS - MlNISTER: LOUlS IS CONMAN
NEWSWEEK LEW: "l trained the wasps."
The Princess Zasu, as happens with lovers,
awaited Louis full of desire.
The time dragged on, minute after minute, and no sign of Louis.
First of all she got mad.
Ladies tend to do that when their lover is late.
Then she became worried, that's the normal way of a woman's lot.
And she started to cry. From love, from disappointment,
and from fear. Mainly fear for Lew.
Ladies and gentlemen, today for execution
the gardener who wanted to be king. Lew.
They are taking him to the block, people are going quiet,
so do the drums. And in the silence, a voice:
So, you took him as far as here, Mr. Reason!
Congratulations!
But what next?
One of the qualities of Reason is that he's a good loser,
he doesn't suffer from injured pride.
Luck enters Lew, I mean Louis,
and asks Reason strictly to leave, as it is going to get busy.
Mr. Reason, after he had handed Louis, I mean Lew, I mean Louis,
over to the hairy fairy young lad Luck,
raced straight back to Zasu, because he reasonably expected
it would be the place where he'd be needed most.
Zasu stopped crying and started thinking.
Crying will get me nowhere, that stands to reason.
Something must be done! And she went to the King.
He stood over a big globe spinning it this way and that.
That's what he always did,
when he was bothered by conscience and contemplated exile.
Now, daddy, spit it out!
The King told her everything.
How they showed him the signed confessions...
In the interest of the kingdom, of higher justice, in brief...
Natter, patter, gobbledegook!
The Executioner raised his axe for a mighty blow
but Luck had time to see it and crack -
the handle broke, the axe flew up to the sky.
It flew really high, whizzing as it spun and came back down.
By some coincidence the Minister didn't get a chance to escape
and we can say for sure that he didn't suffer.
He didn't even get a moment to notice he got cut in half.
The Executioner didn't panic, took a giant sword
belonging to the Chief Bailiff, stood firm,
took a swing, and the sword broke off...
The scaffold crumbles, with the block, the executioner,
the bailiffs, and Lew.
In the chaos the hairy youth comes from nowhere
and hey presto, both of them get on the executioner's cart.
And then the chase begins.
Meantime, as my esteemed friend Gaius Julius used to say,
the plot in the palace took an unexpected turn.
An abdication, here on the parchment now signed,
promotion of Louis to the rank of nobleman
so that the marriage conforms to the constitution.
They are left with just the front,
everything else fell apart... Aha, he can come in handy.
And they keep going towards the King's palace.
...transfer of powers to Louis
and should something happen to him, then to herself,
here, see, right on this parchment, and a little seal there...
And should you object, then I will speak from the balcony!
I will speak, you get it? People will hear me themselves
and they will hear that Louis cured me.
And you didn't keep your word. What will you do then?
I won't detain you by relating
how the priest came in handy for the wedding.
You must have guessed he was there for the happy-end.
It goes without saying the young put the kingdom in order.
What lesson can we learn?
That Reason and Luck meet very rarely indeed.
Reason likes well kept roads, properly signposted.
Luck prefers to wander the countryside.
When Luck tires, it settles for any place of rest, be it a cowpat.
But Folly and Misfortune,
they are inseparable companions.